My birthday is coming up within the next few days, an event that never fails to fill me with great depression. More and more time passes, and I never seem to accomplish anything, nor go anywhere, despite my greatest efforts. Well, actually, that's not true; I don't really make an effort. But maybe that's the most crushing realization of all; I have the motivation, but simply not the will. Every year I take note of the things in my life, and I cannot, with assurance, say that they've changed for the better, in any way. Of course I must see myself as lucky, as they haven't really changed markedly for the worse. It's just a terrible feeling, watching the months pass, and knowing that there is nothing one can do to stop it; that it will go on as there is matter in the universe. Well, if you are to believe some theories, it is more that it will go on as long as there are observers in the universe, but I digress.
It's disheartening, for me, to know also that I am capable of things--they just don't happen. That's not arrogance, it's just truth--I subscribe to the belief that anyone can do anything if they try their best. Therefore, I am, simply, not trying hard enough. Especially seeing as I couldn't even stand up and get myself into school this year. Now that is rather pathetic.
Every year is also another year that I've fed off my parents. That, I really hate. I suppose that I am of the age in which I'm intended to do so, but it still injures me. I am acutely aware that I do nothing to deserve the life that I have--I cannot even pay in good grades. And, when I had the opportunity to do so, I failed very, very, very, severely. So, I guess it all boils down to a feeling of uselessness and missed opportunity. And, the ever-present knowledge that I have gone over three years without a friend, or hell, even acquaintence. But Jesus, when I talk like this, I guess it's not hard to figure out why--I sound like an uneducated, pretentious, bastard, don't I?
I would post this in OpenDiary--as sometimes people actually read that--but it's not letting me log in right now. I have a feeling that many problems are going to occur, to drive people towards OD+. But that's my cynicism talking. |
