|
|
Back to UF - User Diary Index
| Tue 2/4 - Be GLAD I didn't say anything yesterday |
by bigmal27 |
2014-02-04 05:22:29 |
For some reason I do *not* enjoy their visits. My enjoyment decreases with every visit. And its not even their fault -- it went pretty well overall. But I am constantly afraid of SOMETHING happening that would result in hurt feelings on both sides, possibly to the point of me saying "don't ever come back; you're not welcome here". And so my guard is up and I can NOT enjoy it. I don't know how to "lighten up" because every time I do something DOES happen (relatively minor so far) and I regret not being ready for it.
So yesterday, after starting off late for work, having to scrape my car down (powder snow on crusty snow on ice), making me later knowing that meeting them for "goodbye breakfast" (without MrsMal as a witness to anything said, so I don't like it) would make me even later, I blew them off but was in One Certified BAD Mood all day.
My family seems to represent two things about the past: the good things I've lost/left that I can never have back, and the bad things I'm trying to run away from. When they are present, I am teased by the "good" memories but the "bad" memories hang around like blackmail. Not pleasant.
Wish I could get my mind to accept them for who they are and the love they have without being so cynical about it and looking for the shortcomings, the associated guilt, etc. But in hindsight there is never as much emotional baggage as I assume. It's just all self-fulfilling, but I can't get my way out of it, and its worse.
In general, I find I have to be angry at SOMEbody...
- My family from out-of-state ("them/they" above)
- Bad drivers, bad roads, bad road maintenance and the gov'ts that do it
- Coworkers, especially those who use me for IT and WILL NOT LEARN/REMEMBER basic things
- Management
- People I generally disagree with (socio/political topics)
- Celebrities/politicians
- Local communities who don't learn from their mistakes
- People in general, especially anyone showing hypocrisy, greed, ignorance, etc. (and even more so when they are PROUD of it)
And when I ignore one facet, my attention just shifts.
I DON'T *WANT* TO BE ANGRY OR ANNOYED ALL THE TIME. I *DON'T*! I JUST *AM*! I want to be accepted for who I am, but I don't want to hurt those around me, which I do over time.
It's me, not them. I just don't know what to do about it. |
|
[ Reply ] |
|
|
[Todays Cartoon Discussion]
[News Index]
|
|
