Almost eight years ago, after being "Christian", I had a spiritual/religious experiance that could only be described as being truly "born again", coming to a deeper realization of the nature of sin, death, atonement, Jesus' suffering and death. Since then, with the leading of the Holy Spirit, I've been learning more and more about faith. Real, honest, sacrifice-my-life faith and love.
Near the end of the Sermon on the Mount in the Gospel according to Matthew, Jesus give us a metaphor of two people building houses on different foundations (Matthew 7:24-27). Before my experience, I was building a house on a weak foundation: my own life, revolving at that time around a certain sin. Then, I couldn't see was sin, although deep down I knew it couldn't continue. This sin caused me to retreat from others and from God -- who I didn't have a good relationship with anyway. My "house" was being built with fabric, not strong materials (this is related to the sin but I dare not say more).
A few months before my experience, my life was changing. I knew it was a house of sin, and had to tear it down before bringing someone in. So I did, but without the fabric I had maybe some paper walls and still no foundation. Weak, at best.
Through the Spirit's promptings and this wonderful person's living example, I was challenged and found wanting. Then I had my experience. I found a new faith and it felt GOOD. I made Christ my new foundation. I started to build with God's strength.
And yet, there in the basement, a hole remained. Part of the sin I kept for myself, secret away from others.
I struggle with this hole. The more I go down, in secret, to visit and enjoy this sinful pit, the more it makes a corner of the house shift. Sometimes the shift becomes a crumble. If I leave it be, the whole house would fall (again).
I try to fill in the hole and cover it up, but never use the right material and find myself digging in it again.
This is life. Only completely removing this sin from my life -- even my very thoughts -- will do. God grant me the strength.
This is real. This is living for Christ. It's just like any other struggle. We are Christians, and we are as real and honest as it gets about our shortcomings. The only reason I do not go into sordid details is to protect the innocent around me (and the board rules in place).
Now someone knows. Please pray for me. |
