| [Celt] Diary of Celt Updated/Posted: 2001-10-09 10:42:17 |
This is where I work
Latitude :53.431
Longtitude: -6.142
Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
Above all else: Sky.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!,
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast,
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?,
Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?,
Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.
Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling so great myself.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Eschew Obfuscation.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?,
Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!,
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!,
I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!,
I don't see what all the fuss is about, if those dolphins were so smart, they wouldn't hang out with tuna.
I doubt therefore I might be.
I like feminists - I think they're cute.
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was Aardvark.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Necrophelia means never having to say... well, anything!,
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that),
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on!,
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!,
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
Refuse Novocain... Transcend Dental Medication.
Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.
Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be darned!,
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women.
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
There's no future in time travel.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
This message was sent to you via email in much the same way bricks aren't.
Today's subliminal thought is:,
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!,
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that's a moray!,
Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!,
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!,
My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead. - some dead guy,
If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
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