| Hubby and I agreed about the open relationship long before we ever got married.
Purely my personal observations only here, ymmv, disclaimer disclaimer etc. etc., BUT:
I've been married for 25 years this coming December. Ours is a closed marriage, but I've had the benefit of a *lot* of practice (sometimes more than I've cared for) in the personal interactions of marriage. Also, in growing up through the 70s and 80s, I have had the fortune (sometimes good, sometimes otherwise) to observe friends and acquaintances go through a vast number of permutations on what would be considered a traditional marriage arrangement. All of which leads me to say:
- It is possible for open marriages to work, but the vast majority do not.
- The only way an open marriage may work is if (a)the open nature of the relationship is mutually agreed upon and accepted PRIOR to marriage, and (b) a set of iron-clad, never-break-these rules (such as those ArylMae describes) defines the boundaries of "openness". Clear understanding by both participants on everyone's expectations relating to these issues are the foundation blocks upon which any relationship must be built.
- The open marriages I've seen fail over the years generally fall into one of two categories of failure; either one or both parties break the rules (see 2b), or the "fooled around and fell in love" situation pops up - one member of the couple finds another person with whom they become so (attached / in love with / infatuated / take your pick, etc., etc.) that they want to pursue a full-time relationship with the new person - and frequently (frequently enough that I've ceased to be to be surprised), it's a traditional "closed" relationship.
- Not wanting to be all gloom-and-doom here, but I honestly do not think it is possible to successfully convert a closed relationship to an open one. Simply put, that's not what anybody "signed on" for at the beginning of the marriage. To carry my analogy in #1 further, it's as if the two of you have built a house together, then one day one of you decides it's time for a little remodeling - starting with taking a jackhammer to the foundation. Good luck on that house standing for very long.
I've seen several friends "restructure" relationships over the years, usually to try to save a failing marriage. I'm sorry to say I've yet to see any such "restructurings" last more that 4 or 5 years. When you start changing the rules in midgame, one of the parties always seems to come off feeling like they're "settling" for the sake of "saving the marriage" - and that dissatisfaction turns into resentment, which turns into poison, which turns into a REALLY nasty divorce.
As I said before - I haven't lived through this personally, so I can't with certainty state how it can/will hit you personally. I have shared a helluva lotta cups of coffee with friends at 2 in the morning, though, listening while they try to explain to me/themselves exactly where the wheels came off - so I have a fairly decent notion secondhand. I'd spare anybody that pain, if I could.
So far as options go:
You can try the counseling route before divorce - if fact, depending upon your personality, it may be a necessity for you to try everything in your power before giving up on the marriage. Best keep your expectations realistic, though. If your husband is saying "I want an open marriage", part of what he is saying - even if he doesn't want to say it flat out - is "I don't want *this* marriage."
Best of luck to you, hon. Either way, this ain't no easy row to hoe. :( |
