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Most annoying phrases to hear when long-term | by confused.brit | 2009-02-10 17:04:34 |
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I'm curious, what is it about Asperger's that | by Snate | 2009-02-10 17:13:40 |
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Its a combo of worst possibles. | by confused.brit | 2009-02-10 17:22:09 |
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I'll also put that after my last stint at it | by confused.brit | 2009-02-10 18:00:54 |
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Oh Wow {{{{{{{confused.brit}}}}}}} | by Snate | 2009-02-10 18:33:31 |
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No, she knows and understands. | by confused.brit | 2009-02-10 18:42:05 |
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Sounds like a large part of your problem... | by firehawk | 2009-02-10 18:50:36 |
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Oops...forgot {{{{{{{{{confused.brit}}}}}}}}} (n/t) | by firehawk | 2009-02-10 18:52:35 |
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Thanks :) | by confused.brit | 2009-02-10 18:56:58 |
| First of all, you can't fix her. |
by twixt |
2009-02-10 21:38:44 |
The only person who can is her. What you can do is point out that she is being patronizing and demeaning by refusing to let go of you as someone who has to be "mothered".
I suggest setting up a "safe phrase", (Eg: Is this the time for tea?) which she knows means "knock it off!" - but can be inserted into a conversation without others knowing that it means "quit trying to run my life for me!". This will help bring you back into control of your own life without having things degenerate into screaming matches, especially in public.
You also need to check with her (and have her tell the truth) as to whether she is feeling overwhelmed with having you to tend. Is she is taking on more "motherhood" than she should?
And don't for a minute think that she will tell you the truth without pointing out that need explicitly. If she has visions of you being incapable if she becomes incapable of "taking care" of you as she "thinks it should be done" - then every time you show some need that she interprets as something that she must fulfill - it will generate resentment.
And that may be the "thing" you are seeing as the recent change.
The above is called "caregiver exhaustion". It is seen very commonly in Alzheimers caregivers. Your mother may need access to a support group to get her out of her current way of thinking about your disability - so she can get an independent view of when she is the reason for a problem.
She needs to get out of the hothouse (which is the world of interacting with you in a domestic environment) on a regular basis - and interact with other people who understand her world but are not family.
Her support group can tell her things she needs to hear that she will never accept from family members. They can also yell at her in ways you could never manage - and get through her resistance and denial in ways that would fracture a family relationship. That is why a caregiver must have an external support group as well as support within the family.
I suggest that you do some research in your local area to find caregiver support groups. If you find one, check them out yourself to see if the group meshes with what you think is appropriate. You may need to go through 2 or 3 different groups before you find one that you consider appropriate. This is normal - do not fret if some of the groups seem strange to you.
If you find an appropriate group, then you and the caregiver support rep can try and figure out a way to bring your mother into the situation that does not cause her to put up walls and resist the concept.
Hopefully, the above will allow your mom to relax and let you be who you are - complete with disability - without her being responsible for "saving" you from yourself. This should allow both of you to unwind and just be the imperfect and fallible human beings you are - instead of trying to live up to some unworkable image of perfection that just leads to burnout.
Hope this helps. {{{{{{{{c.b.}}}}}}}}
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