I know where you're coming from, believe me. And only the two of you can tell if the relationship will work or not.
Here's the thing, though: if you both know where your own problem points are, and if you're both willing to work on it, then you can change things to make them workable. But it's up to you both to make that choice.
If she goes silent and detached, maybe you can come up with a way of telling her so that doesn't come across as nagging--a "hello, there; I care and I want to work things out" type of message. And maybe you can give her a little time to calm down, think things through, and settle down to talk with you about things in a more neutral setting--get together over lunch a day or two after she's gone detached, say, and just talk about what's bothering the pair of you for an hour, maybe.
Arguments don't have to kill a relationship. In fact, they are actually healthy ways of blowing off the pressure of trying to live with another human being just as contrary and difficult as you are. But--I'm learning this, myself, too--there are ways to argue that are safe and effective; just barking at each other over your territorial boundaries doesn't get anything worthwhile done. There are ways to ask a person if she meant what you think you heard, without being offensive. "Are you seeing someone else?" "Um, excuse me a moment, Love, but what I just heard sounds to me like you're calling me a faithless, adulterous liar and cheat; is that what you meant to say?" "No, no! I'm just worried about this, this, and that." "Oh, o-kay. Well this is because of... etc." The argument might also be about money, or about the kids, or about any of several other sources of stress on the relationship, but it will usually follow the same pattern: one partner will hear something that the other partner did not say, and then the fight is on. It takes practice to learn how to detach both of yourselves once the danger flag goes up like that, but it can be done, and it saves a lot of hurt while working things out.
Another thing I mentioned briefly: different people have different fight dynamics. Mrs. Bitflipper and I are a great example; she is the only person in my life from whom I will rather turn and walk away instead of argue. Anyone else? Hey, bring it on; I've matched tempers with some of the best. But I won't do that to her, because I do not want to expose her to that anger and that risk of hearing something hurtful from me. She, on the other hand, has to solve every problem in the argument before she can let it rest. Not a particularly good match-up, which is why, though our arguments are few and far between, they are monumental, horrifyingly dramatic, and spectacular in the same manner as a train wreck. I hope she learns why I need my space when the argument is with her, and I'm working on not just walking away, but following up with "We will redress this matter again in a day or two, more calmly, and as often as we need to in order to resolve it." It's fight-or-flight, really, but instead of reacting to a predator, one reacts to a perceived threat from a loved one. Some people would rather fight, and some need to get space away from the fight. Neither need be a coward, and neither need be particularly belligerent; it's just the way we interact and the values we--individually--hold dearest as a result of what our lives have taught us to dread the most.
It sounds like, between you and your former fiance, she needs space when things are getting to that scary zone. She's probably not afraid of you, but rather for you; she doesn't want to hurt you. And walking away or closing off are the only ways she sees of protecting you from the hurt she could give.
You still love her, and I'll bet she still loves you. But, maybe you two really aren't meant for each other, this time around. It's possible to be soulmates without being lifemates. You've both learned and grown for the knowing of each other, and I'll bet you both have some pretty special memories to cherish, as a result.
You both have my hugs and support, whatever path you choose. If you choose to give it one more try, then maybe I can offer a little advice on how to change the way you approach each other so that it's more productive. If you decide it's time to move on, then I've got nice, comfy, absorbant shoulders and I might be able to help you accept the change and begin looking forward, again. I don't want to tell you: "give it another go"; that's only for the two of you to decide. But I do hope I've shown you a possibility or two you might not have seen, yet.
Hugs to the both of you, either way. You know you have the support of a caring community, here. |
