34, M, single, haven't 'dated' since early in Clinton's first term. Severe social anxiety, body issues, non-existent self-esteem...
Learning new social skills is a fun-sounding endeavor, once I might be able to get past the mental hyperactivity, scattered focus, rapid shallow breathing, visible chest palpitations and desire to retreat to the nearest isolated corner.
Example: last Saturday night, cast party for "Urinetown" (great musical, btw), got invited, I'm the light designer/board op, I think I said ten words the whole hour I was there. Everyone was very social, very funny, very verbose (they're actors, fer cryin' out loud!) and I nursed along a couple drinks, noshed on more desserts than I thought were possible, and I never made it past the periphery of any conversation or cluster. I'd get very nervous whenever anyone would notice me or smile at me or say anything above or beyond "Hey there, how's it goin?" I didn't know what to say, what to do, how to act, so I stayed as invisible as I could so as not to embarass myself. I did know quite a few people there (from previous shows, some--most just from watching and lighting them onstage the past couple weeks, and hearing conversations in passing as they got off stage and headed for dressing rooms), so it wasn't as if I was totally a stranger in a strange land. 'Cept I felt like a stranger in a strange land, practically in fear of my life--I know that's exaggeration, but who ever said fears and emotions were rational?
I don't want to be alone. But I'm beyond frightened of anyone paying attention to me. I'd love to know what a relationship feels like while I'm young enough to enjoy it...if I still am.
*goes and hides now.* |
