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| ATTN: BatGirl1982 re dating my son. |
by krikkert |
2006-03-31 10:19:25 |
I thought we'd just lay down some ground rules... :-)
#1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
#2. You do not touch my son in front of me. You may glance at him, so long as you do not peer at anything below his neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my son's body, I will remove them.
#3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls of your age to wear their trousers so tightly that they appear to be painted on you. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underclothes showing and your trousers five sizes too small, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, tear during the course of your date with my son, I will take my latex paint gun and paint an impenetrable coat of latex from your neck and down.
#4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
#5. It is usually understood that in order for you and my wife to get to know each other, you should talk about shopping, men, and other womanly things. Please do not do this. The only information she and I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my son safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
#6. I have no doubt you are a popular chick, with many opportunities to date other men. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my son. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my favourite son, you will continue to date no one but him until he is finished with you. If you make him cry, I will make you cry.
#7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my son to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My son is readying himself up to act like a proper guy around you -- a process that'll take longer than the building of Rome. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like helping my wife with dinner?
#8.
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my son: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my son to wear shorts, T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
#9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my son, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a chainsaw, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
#10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my son home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my son home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside, or give my son a kiss goodbye. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. |
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[ Reply ] |
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I recognize the first 8 | by shandrake | 2006-03-31 10:21:21 |
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Slightly modified, | by krikkert | 2006-11-19 12:55:59 |
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I recognize the first 8 from | by shandrake | 2006-11-19 12:55:59 |
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Re: #3 | by AndyA | 2006-03-31 10:23:50 |
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Arivia! :-) (n/t) | by Esteis | 2006-03-31 10:26:26 |
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Very, very, very yep. (n/t) | by Arivia | 2006-03-31 10:28:28 |
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Nah, she'd like liquid latex, not latex paint, | by shorty82 | 2006-03-31 10:28:51 |
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[drily] I'll take your word for it. (n/t) | by Esteis | 2006-03-31 10:30:33 |
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Nothing in his line says it's *paint*. | by Arivia | 2006-03-31 10:31:50 |
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Actually, | by krikkert | 2006-03-31 10:33:18 |
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hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah | by Arivia | 2006-03-31 10:37:28 |
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oh no | by Batgirl1982 | 2006-03-31 10:41:31 |
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Hm. | by krikkert | 2006-03-31 10:42:00 |
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Sounds like it was previously written for a... | by tonza | 2006-03-31 10:24:21 |
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I did. I'm not a good editor. (n/t) | by krikkert | 2006-03-31 10:26:33 |
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ok I get it. | by Batgirl1982 | 2006-03-31 10:28:59 |
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Oh, I don't. | by krikkert | 2006-03-31 10:31:43 |
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update | by Batgirl1982 | 2006-03-31 10:34:50 |
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Yeah, I know. | by krikkert | 2006-03-31 10:35:35 |
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good | by Batgirl1982 | 2006-03-31 10:42:06 |
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Oi!!! Are you ignoring me or something | by merlin | 2006-11-19 12:55:59 |
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Where would you want to be? | by krikkert | 2006-03-31 10:41:13 |
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I don't know, just being goofy. | by merlin | 2006-03-31 10:44:14 |
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No, no, no, no, no!!! | by Spud31 | 2006-03-31 11:02:15 |
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*bwahahahah* Krikkert, please, can I be your son? (n/t) | by merlin | 2006-03-31 11:04:01 |
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