Vince: Vince to Enlightenment, I have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation, there is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here.
It's one of the old class two ship-to-surface vessels, the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to metaflight design flaws.
Crew: Three. One series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt-out, give it maybe three years. Nothing of any salvageable value.
Ah, felis sapiens. Bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart. Of no value in future study of this species.
What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age, mid-twenties, physical age, 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf - we have an amitz the complete sm3gpot.
Brains in the anal region. Chin absent presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Vince: Vince to Enlightenment - evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation, with patient tuition could (maybe) master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf - displays evidence of spoiling for rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummellink, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Vince: Vince to Enlightenment – The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf – The intruder seems blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat.
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