Dear Beloved Pets:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing
a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch
to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob
or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have
posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know
what the rules are here:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and
Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who
are short, hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak
clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially my cats.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called
(this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out
with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant,
you can sell the children! |
