For N.
I have sat, so many nights at this computer, staring at the blank email in front of me. There are so many things that I want to tell you. Too many things I need to say. Too much, so I say nothing. Instead we talk about trivialities, wasting our chances, is it too late?? I should scream my feelings out to the world! Shout it from mountain tops, write it in the heavens for all to see! The sun can provide no heat and all the world is winter, next to the fire inside me for you.
Oceans separate us, and the years add on since I saw you last, yet.. Without even closing my eyes I can see you here, sitting beside me. Your smile is as clear to me as it was the last I saw you, before you left for fame and fortune. Even your soft sent come back to me like memories of a dream. I see what you have accomplished and my heart swells with pride to have even known you. You set the world on fire without even trying. Should I have to suffer a thousand Hells it would be worth it to see your happiness.
Do you think of me? In the dark of night, that place where it isn't possible to run or to hide from your self, do you ever reach out for me? Or do I wait on a Chimera of my own mind? Shadows and distortions of wishes and my own flaws? Perhaps, but I know that I would trade my life for a chance to hold you in my arms again. For one day I would feel my life was fairly spent and death would come as a friend to me.
Is this real, this feeling inside me? My life has not been empty without you. My heart and my bed have been filled with my share of love and laughter. I have headed the advice of others and I have fished the waters of my world and my nets have not come up barren. But, NONE of them could hold my gaze. None, entered my heart like you. When you speak, the world stops and an email sets my head spinning. To hear your voice is to melt.
These feelings are not my choice. I have lay in bed crying to the heavens to take this hurt away. I have begged to be relieved of this burden. But it is mine to bear. I love you, as a friend, with my heart, body and mind. I love you for who you are, and who you will become. Should I live to be 100 years old, my dearest wish will still be; Your hand in mine. |
