OK, so I get the call today...

And here I must thank all the "SteyrAUG is stealing this guys gun" people for giving me a hilarious idea.

Caller: Hi I'm calling to see if the gun I ordered has been checked in yet?"

Me: OK what is your name I'll look it up.

Caller: [Gives me his name] It was a HK USP45.

Me: I'm sorry sir I'm not finding any special orders or transfer requests under that name, do you know when you placed the order? We get a lot of USP45s, they are real popular.

Caller: [Gives me a date from last week]

Me: I'm sorry sir I'm only finding 4 orders taken that day and none of them are in that name. Do you know who you placed the order with?

Caller: Um I'm not sure...I'm trying to remember the name.

Me: Well it would have been either myself or [and here I provided my name and 3 completely fictitious people].

Caller: It was [He chose the female name of the 3 fictitious names I offered].

Me: Oh Geeze that's terrible. We caught her stealing from us and fired her a couple days ago.

Caller: Oh ok, um so how do I get my gun?

Me: Well it shouldn't be a problem. Just bring in your copy of the special order form. In all probability she didn't report the sale and that is why we don't have a record of it because she planned to pocket everything. But just bring in your copy of the order and we should be able to take care of you.

However, we are currently building a case against Mrs. Ficticious Name and one of the detectives involved is gonna want to talk to you and get a statement. We're also gonna want to take the special order form as evidence so we can prosecute her for fraud as well as theft.

Caller: Um I really don't want to get anyone in trouble I just want to pick up my gun.

Me: Sir it is entirely possible she didn't even enter the order and planned on stealing from you as well as us. We are also primarily as LE supplier so it would look really bad if we didn't prosecute those who try and steal from or defraud us. It won't be much of a problem, I'll make sure a detective is here to take a statement when you pick up your gun so you aren't inconvenienced. Just make sure and bring your copy of the special order because he will want it as evidence. I'll even waive the transfer / background check fee since you'll be inconvenienced.

Caller: OK, I think I lost the special order form.

Me: Gee I hope not. That is the same as a cash receipt. Without that we have no proof you paid for anything at all. I mean someone could just walk in off the street and claim they ordered a $10,000 machine gun but without proof like the special order form or some kind of receipt we have no way of knowing that they did or didn't.

Caller: I'm not sure she even gave me one.

Me: It would have been just last week. You can't remember? I really hope you got some kind of proof of payment otherwise she may have gotten away with stealing your money. How did you pay...cash?

Caller: No I paid by credit card.

Me: OK then you are in luck. Our processing company will have a record of the transaction when she ran your card. We already requested a record of all transactions for the last 6 months because of the case we are currently building against Mrs. Ficticious Name and we will simply include yours. As soon as we get those records we can find out if she even ordered the gun and match it up against the credit card transaction. We can find out what she did from there. If she ordered the gun we will find it and transfer it to you at no cost and if she didn't order it we will gladly order it for you or refund the credit card amount from the transaction we did.

Caller: OK, I gotta call my credit card company. I'll call you back.

Me: OK sir. Just remember to make an appointment when you come in so I can request a detective to be here to take a statement. And thank you for helping us with this.

Caller: OK, good bye.

This guy has to be s4ing bricks right now.