Seeing the box-office success of The Passion of the Christ, CBS now plans to re-show its 2000 miniseries "Jesus," while other related shows and movies are in development. On a world exclusive basis, Easterblogg has obtained these script proposals making the rounds in Tinseltown:
CHRIST: THE TEEN YEARS.
It's hard to turn the other cheek when the kids taunt you as a carpenter's son" and "holy dweeb." And who will Rachel daughter of Zedekiah go to the Seder with--Jesus or that that rich hunk Simon of Capernaum? He's hardly spiritual at all!
SURVIVOR GALILEE.
Stranded in the ancient desert wilderness, ten competitors vie to discover a chest of myrrh that is buried beneath a balm in Gilead.
Events include walking a mile in each other's shoes and forcing a camel through the eye of a needle. For food, there's only five loaves and three fish to go around--it's going to require a miracle! And is one of the competitors a mole for King Herod? Ten-second delay to be used as "some of those Samaritans really have a mouth," network says.
CSI: SALOME.
In a bizarre gruesome murder, a severed head is found on a silver platter at the palace. But whose DNA is on those unwashed locks of hair? Jennifer Beals and Val Kilmer star as tough-talking, no-nonsense Roman crime investigators.
MIDNIGHT AT THE OASIS.
Big-budget musical adaptation of the Book of Ruth, starring Cameron Diaz as Ruth, Demi Moore as Naomi, and in his wide-screen
debut, Andre3000 as Boaz. In an up-to-the-minute Bible-inspired plot twist, it's the woman (Diaz) who wants hot sex while the man (Andre3000) wants to take it slow. Parade crows: "Never has winnowing the barley been so steamy!"
OutKast performs movie theme, "Wennn U Getta (Cell) Call from God."
CODE NAME ARCHANGEL.
At the beginning of time, the fallen angels were cast down out of paradise. But what if one of them was a double agent, his deep cover known only to God?
Tension mounts, in the two-hour television event premiere, when Lucifer notices one of his lieutenants whispering classified information to a dove, and begins to suspect. TV Guide says, "A truly unorthodox hero!"
THE ACOLYTE.
Business students compete to see who will become the sniveling factotum of Caesar. They learn real-world lessons on how to suppress dissent, manipulate imperial records, and hide deficits. At the end of each episode, viewers vote on who gets thrown to the lions.
MITZVAH MAN.
As a child, he saw his parents crushed under the wheels of a centurion's chariot, and vowed to dedicate his life to fighting for justice. Each night this lonely, conflicted superhero--secret identity, a nondescript Sadducee in the customer-service department--dons his cape and mask, wields his staff, and rights wrongs, leaving an "MM" imprint on the chins of bad guys he has punched out.
With Rebecca Romijn-Stamos as The Love Interest.
SAINT PETER THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.
A space-time anomaly throws the disciple Peter (Viggo Mortensen) 2,000 years forward in time to Los Angeles of the present day. As Peter humbly tries to heal the sick, go online, and adjust to gay marriage, he discovers that the city is infested with vampires, ghouls, and succubae. That ability to cast out demons sure is going to come in handy! Taking up the sword, Peter draws together a band of street-tough followers and sets out to rid Los Angeles of the undead. In the incredible climactic kickboxing showdown, Saint Peter must face, alone, the Spawn of Satan (Janet Jackson). MSNBC gushes, "Crossover appeal to the 'Buffy' college crowd and 'Left Behind' fundamentalists!"
Plus at PBS, THOMAS ON THE COUCH.
Interviews with psychologists who speculate about why Thomas the disciple doubted what he could see with his own eyes. What childhood trauma instilled in Thomas such insecurity? Did he have an attachment disorder or social-anxiety syndrome? Would Thomas have benefited from Paxil? Sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline. But it's just "sponsorship," not advertising. |
