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| rules rules and more rules |
by magedrake 0001 |
2004-02-05 04:52:26 |
this is a copy of an email i am sending to a group holding a airsoft event. since there has been much debate and bickering induced headaches over the various rules for this 3 team game. I thought that some of you that play paintball might enjoy a smile ( also for you who do not play)
Sir,
I realize that with all the debate over the rules for *** that the general leadership, advisors, and trustees need to relax and have a few laughs. I propose a new topic titled " Fake, bogus, not real new rules for ***"
The new and improved rules:
1) All snipers have a new min safe range, 1 mile. They also have a new fps of .000000000000000001 feet per second. This is roughly the growth of a stalagmite in a year.
2) The red team's new uniform will be a white tux with tail and top hat. The shirt must be peach in color with frills. The bowtie and cumber bun can be any color the wearer chooses. Footwear is to be fuzzy bear claw slippers, brown in color. The blue team’s new uniform is to be a cheesy cowboy outfit. The green team’s new uniform is to be a toga.
3) All personal regardless of team shall wear a protective cup (this is not a cup you drink out of). (Lets face it, Poop happens)!
(The writer of these new rules will be wearing one made of titanium with anti-radiation shielding, anti-gravity ability, bullet proof, and a cooling system built in). (On sale now at Acme Cartoon Supplies for a buck $2.95 plus shipping, handling, tax, tags, state and federal license fees. all told the bill came out to 4.5 trillion dollars). (He suggest the installment plan for payment it has a really low interest rate).
4) The Red team's theme song is now one little, two little, three little Indians. The Blue team's theme song is now the Barney show song. The Green team's theme song will be The Lumberjack song from the comedy troupe Monty Python.
5) Masks are required for everyone. Please come as your favorite super hero or villain.
6) All weapons must fire a new 6mm bb made from nerf material.
7) No other weapon will be allowed on the field.
8) Every hour on the hour there will be a break. Listen for the gong. At these breaks there will be coffee, tea, soda (regular, diet, and extra caffeine), milk (soy, low fat, 1%, 2%, whole, and goats) with this is your choice of brownies, cookies (to many to list see appendix A), biscuits, crumpets, finger sandwiches (see appendix B) fruits (see appendix C), veggies (see appendix D). As per our agreement with the weekend fun and games seeker union local 945 and the snack food server union local 316 subgroup A.
9) When asking someone for their surrender you must:
First have a lawyer present for both parties.
Second have the local news media present to record this event for posterity.
Third it must be done on a day starting with a vowel.
10) The first person to shot at his/hers/its enemy weather it hits or misses will be flogged for 2 min with 3 wet angle hair pasta noodles measuring no more or less than 48 inches. Then to be striped and thrown out of the game naked and henceforth be known to the world of airsoft as a very rude and mean person who cannot play well with others.
11) All players must not get any closer that 700 feet from each other, no matter what team the other person is on. This is a shooting hazard and will be strictly enforced.
12) Lunch will be served from 11:15 to 1:15. Ballroom dancing will be allowed. As that we do not have an ABL we will be serving sparkling cider for drinks.
13) No radios will be used unless you have filed a properly filled out an environment impact statement with the EPA and have a notarized copy of the copy of the original copy on hand. Hand signal, semaphore, smoke signal (with out the use of fire or chemical reaction), and telepathy can be used. If you must talk to player or referee you must use a thick Scottish accent.
14) No eating on the field except during the breaks but only if you are not moving, this is a choking hazard.
15) No running on/off/ or around the field. This is a safety hazard.
16) Under no circumstances will anyone go to the restroom unless they have prior written consent from their neighbors 2nd cousins 3rd grade math teacher for each restroom event.
17) No fishing in the swimming pool and no swimming in the fishing pond (our lawyer supplied all the reason in appendix E)
18) If you see a little white bunny rabbit with long sharp teeth teleport away very very fast. We have professionals standing by to handle such dangerous creatures as this represents a mauling hazard.
19) The golf course and tennis courts are not to use, as they are both being repaved.
20) Due to someone scheduling a fire eating contest and chili cook off the casino and showroom are both closed for remodeling.
Again this is meant only to crack you up. Please take no offence and add more if you like.
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