I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!!
(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...
Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
You can't have everything...Where would you put it?
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Dennis." I said, "Hello, Dennis. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...
I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
and yes this is the last steve wright ONQ
i am not tihnking of sending more again |
