I stumbled up the very answer earier today! I'm not kidding! I was reading Discordian archives, and there it was!
The Myth of The Nipples
A Tale Of Creation
Long ago, the Earth was barren of life. Eris and Aneris looked upon it and saw that it was boring.
"Yawn," Eris yawned. "Aneris, My sister, the Earth is truly uninteresting. Let's liven it up somehow." Eris, the Goddess of Chaos, was always eager to disturb stable systems.
"I like it this way, Eris." Aneris, the Goddess of non-Chaos, was much more conservative. "Boring things are more orderly."
"Aww, pleeeeease?" Eris was not above whining.
There was some arguing back and forth, and eventually They came to an agreement that They would bring forth life to alleviate the boredom. So Eris and Aneris descended upon the Earth.
"Let there be life!" said Aneris, and there was life. Plant life. Ferns. Trees. Mushrooms. Lichen. Aneris looked about and said, "See! It's much more colorful now."
Eris sighed. "You call this life? It's almost as boring as before! These things just grow and die and wave in the wind. Here, let Me try." And Eris lifted up the clay from the ground and formed it into the shape of an ant. She blew upon it and it scurried off to build a hill.
"Animals? Sure, We can make some of those." And Eris and Aneris began to create animals. First They created the simpler animals, like the insects and worms and such. Then They went on to the reptiles and birds and such. Finally, They started on the mammals.
By this time, They had a pretty good system going. Aneris would create the female animal, then Eris would come along and create the male. When Aneris made the first female mammals with fur and nipples, Eris saw a chance to have some fun. As She made the furry male mammals, She gave them their own, useless, nipples. Aneris looked over at Her sister every once in a while, but since the fur hid the nipples She didn't see anything but Eris's wide smile. Aneris, naturally, got suspicious... She knew from experience that Eris could not be trusted when She was smiling. (Or at any other time, for that matter.)
Shrugging, Aneris started creating the first woman. She made her after Her own image, with heavy hair on her head but not as much elsewhere. And She gave women nipples, which were quite visible from the lack of hair.
Eris followed along, creating the first man. She gave him hair on his head, and not as much elsewhere. And She gave him the same useless nipples all the other male mammals had. Aneris looked over and saw what had happened.
"Wha-at?!", Aneris screamed. "Have You been giving all the male mammals nipples all this time?"
Eris just doubled over, laughing.
"Damn it, Eris, whenever We make anything You always do something weird like this! Can't You take anything seriously?" Aneris sighed as Eris shook Her head no. "Well, I can at least cover this up a little," Aneris muttered, and She put hair around men's nipples. "There, now you can't see them so much." And Aneris rested, while Eris continued to roll on the floor.
So to this day men have nipples, which are merely emphasized by the hair around them. Hail, She what done it all! |
