Holly: "I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 - the same I.Q. as 6000 P.E. teachers."
===========================
Rimmer: "Step up to red alert!"
Kryten: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb!"
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Kryten:"SIR! THEY'VE TAKEN MISTER RIMMER!"
Cat:"Quick! let's get out of here before they bring him back!"
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Kryten: "Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice. Remember Captain Oates? 'I'm going out for a walk, I may be some time'."
Rimmer: "Yes, but the thing is about Captain Oates, the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates, Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat! If that'd been me, I'd have stayed in the tent and whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky. And then eaten him."
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Rimmer: "Open communications channels Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh."
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Cat: "There's an old cat proverb, 'It's better to have lived one hour as a tiger, than a whole lifetime as a worm' ".
Rimmer: "There's an old human proverb, 'Who ever heard of a worm-skin rug?' ".
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Lister: "No one's got any virus, and no one's smegging nuts!"
Rimmer: "Well that's good... is something amiss?"
Lister: "Amiss? God no, what could possibly be amiss?"
Rimmer: "You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sat here wearing a red and white gingham dress, and army boots, you think that's un-amiss?"
Cat: "No, course not, it's just we thought you'd gone nuts. We were trying to humour you."
Rimmer: "I was doing a little test, a little test to see if you had gone crazy. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people."
Lister: "Well we've passed the test Rimmer, you can let us out."
Rimmer: "I can't let you out."
Lister: "Why not?"
Rimmer: "Because the king of the potato people won't let me! I've begged him, I've got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here, keep you here for ten years."
Cat: "Can we see him?"
Rimmer: "See who?"
Cat: "The king."
Rimmer: "Do you have a magic carpet?"
Lister: "Yeah, a little three seater."
Rimmer: "So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people, and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?!"
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Cat: "You are so two-faced, why haven't you got the guts just to tell the dude nobody likes him?"
Lister: "Oh yeah, great, brilliant. What am I supposed to say? - 'Excuse me, Rimmer, do you know you're about as popular as a horny dog at a Miss lovely legs competition?' "
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Holly: "We have been travelling through the galaxy now for three million years, and there are many things we've discovered. The highest form of life in the universe is man, and the lowest is a man who works for the Post Office."
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Cat: "What the hell is all this down the back of my chair? Peanuts?"
Lister: "No, I've been trimming my verrucas."
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Rimmer: "Perhaps you'd like to explain why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest hair cut."
Kryten: "Oh, surely not sir."
Rimmer: "Think about it, why did the US Cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides verses girlie hippy locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads? One-nil to the Pudding basins. Vietnam, crew cuts both sides, no score draw."
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Lister: "I'm just saying, there's seventy nine more days to go."
Kryten: "And if you want to be alive when there's just seventy eight more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose."
Lister: "Do you mind if I ask why?"
Kryten: "Well, let's forego the noise, and the revolting burbling sound, and go straight to the really gross part when you always, and I *do* mean always, having blown your nose, have to take a look at the contents! I mean why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearean sonnet?"
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Kryten: "Sir, are you really saying you'd rather have a psychopathic mechanical killer rip off your skull, and play your frontal lobes like a xylophone, than have another bowl of my nourishing space nettle soup?"
Cat: "Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks, and hold up the sheet music."
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