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Now fess up, did any of you notice? by SaleGamine 2002-07-23 05:19:24
Steve J Martin
15/11/2000 16:32

To: Andrew J Linden/IS/UK/UDV, Robin Needham/Finance/UK/Diageo, David
Bone/IS/UK/UDV, Michael Mann/IS/UK/UDV
cc:

Subject: Notice of Revocation of Independence

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any m****. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "M****" is French for "s***".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are c**p and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.
[ Reply ]
  Oh, is that what happened? by caffine-iv2002-07-23 05:24:04
    "also look up 'campaign'..." (n/t) by sumbusch2002-07-23 07:24:20
      Well I suppose.. by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:25:52
        Just following the mood of the TLP... (n/t) by sumbusch2002-07-23 07:30:37
          Tiz okay ;) (n/t) by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:31:22
  Someone remind me... by slayer2002-07-23 05:39:33
    Durn straigt! by Eco2002-07-23 05:47:33
      Also known as by SaleGamine2002-07-23 05:49:19
        No, that was what we used Ausralia for. by random_c2002-07-23 05:55:36
          As far as I can tell by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:00:36
            Thats how I've been taught; by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:03:21
              Bit of both... by random_c2002-07-23 06:08:21
                Ended up... by dbotkin2002-07-23 10:57:02
        why oh why did my ancestors have to be protestant? by ubergeek22002-07-23 06:16:06
    But we *can* spot a joke... by wheresthefish2002-07-23 05:51:13
      Did I really come across as bitter? by slayer2002-07-23 05:58:34
        Ah but the *point*... by random_c2002-07-23 06:12:00
          DEATH TO ELBONIA!!!! :o) (n/t) by breezeblock2002-07-23 06:14:06
          I do believe I would, by slayer2002-07-23 06:17:22
            I didn't know who he was by Spisefisken2002-07-23 06:19:16
              ...nor did I. by random_c2002-07-23 06:25:15
                Don't we mainly see the american people as large? by Spisefisken2002-07-23 06:27:27
            And of being so damn *big*. by random_c2002-07-23 06:21:14
              That's my point. by slayer2002-07-23 06:27:55
                Our neighbors are for trade... by traffic_hazard2002-07-23 06:36:25
              That's what the Channel Tunnel is for. by wheresthefish2002-07-23 11:27:40
            I still don't know by sumbusch2002-07-23 07:29:08
              Ozzy's mother of course. (n/t) by wheresthefish2002-07-23 11:29:41
            Not *that* difficult ... by kahuana2002-07-23 09:20:48
              chmod a+x /bin/laden (n/t) by caffine-iv2002-07-23 10:01:43
          Twenthe by CreecH2002-07-23 07:06:38
            Not a bloody clue. by random_c2002-07-23 07:19:12
            Netherlands? (n/t) by stig_mata2002-07-23 07:24:38
            I think the Netherlands too... (n/t) by fore_deck2002-07-23 07:29:36
            Twenthe is a Dutch coastal town. by breezeblock2002-07-23 07:44:44
              Actually by CreecH2002-07-23 07:58:57
        Well, that's the way it appears to us. by bugarup2002-07-23 06:13:37
          that's a good paper then! by ubergeek22002-07-23 06:19:47
            Wow. by UberDomino2002-07-23 07:41:10
          May I point out by hyzenthlay2002-07-23 07:42:13
            If I relate by CreecH2002-07-23 08:04:06
            Pop into Illiways... by SaleGamine2002-07-23 08:25:27
        Yes, a trifle. by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:17:36
          Well at least most people know you are a country by Spisefisken2002-07-23 06:21:10
            Not you but yours by Spisefisken2002-07-23 06:22:25
              Well I don't know by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:26:32
                He must have been confused by the mountains by Spisefisken2002-07-23 06:28:32
                  *giggle* by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:31:24
          That's not fair. by slayer2002-07-23 06:35:54
            Yes, when I first came on this board. by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:39:02
              To be fair though by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:40:27
              But do you know by slayer2002-07-23 06:46:19
                Just don't confuse... by random_c2002-07-23 06:49:36
                  I can tell the difference by slayer2002-07-23 06:53:51
                    But *welsh*? by random_c2002-07-23 06:58:41
                      No way. by slayer2002-07-23 07:07:30
                      Welsh.... by fore_deck2002-07-23 07:17:00
                        Look you boyo! it's trouble i'll be having ... by breezeblock2002-07-23 07:23:00
                          Come home to a REAL fire... by fore_deck2002-07-23 07:26:16
                            Another ex is from Gloucestershire.... by random_c2002-07-23 07:32:06
                            Ahh Viz! happy days by breezeblock2002-07-23 07:33:29
                      Being a brummie.. by breezeblock2002-07-23 07:26:45
                        That's why we watch BBC, love. by NOLAWitch2002-07-23 10:33:39
                    Australians were easy in highschool. by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:02:48
                But I'm not asking you to know that by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:53:32
                  I mean the state by slayer2002-07-23 07:02:53
                    Maybe, but it's the only one you let us see... by SaleGamine2002-07-23 07:09:16
                      More belligerent than ignorant. by slayer2002-07-23 07:18:37
                        Btw I think we are talking at cross purposes by SaleGamine2002-07-23 08:57:59
                          I agree that we're belligerent by plblark2002-07-23 09:03:42
                            Believe me. by SaleGamine2002-07-23 09:14:34
                    But can ya place me? by Spisefisken2002-07-23 07:09:58
                      I love maps by slayer2002-07-23 07:14:27
                    I know a lot of the euopean places =) by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:17:09
                      I admit I learned most of my map knowledge by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:18:19
                  Quite... by random_c2002-07-23 07:03:17
                    You should try Swiss-Germany... by SaleGamine2002-07-23 07:18:18
            But CNN.... by random_c2002-07-23 06:41:36
              CNN by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:43:06
                Why was it one of theirs? (n/t) by random_c2002-07-23 06:50:18
                  Nope, just small aircraft =) (n/t) by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:52:46
          Yes, but i didn't know that Switzerland wasn't by kahuana2002-07-23 09:23:41
      yeah! by syren2002-07-23 06:01:22
      <Deleted><Deleted>2002-07-23 06:02:00
        Moderated: double post (n/t) by Nea2002-07-23 08:28:51
      Oh? Is that why Tony's still the PM? :+) by adiplomat2002-07-23 06:11:19
    Typical yank by knightsofni2002-07-23 05:57:57
    "We should have partitioned it." by pas512002-07-23 06:01:42
      We did! by breezeblock2002-07-23 06:05:03
        and you have to take a steam iron to the.. by ubergeek22002-07-23 06:22:17
        Only Following In Willaim Walker's Footsteps by rwrannells2002-07-23 13:22:30
    Just one point.... by whitenite2002-07-23 06:04:24
      two things. by slayer2006-11-19 12:55:59
        Never heard of that one... by random_c2002-07-23 06:18:46
          Reduced Shakepeare Company by fore_deck2002-07-23 06:25:20
            Yeees... by random_c2002-07-23 06:30:12
              Each to their own by fore_deck2002-07-23 06:32:42
                I'm much more likely.... by random_c2002-07-23 06:39:14
            Oh yes by knightsofni2002-07-23 06:57:28
            Fabulous show! by hyzenthlay2002-07-23 07:50:45
            Saw them once and they were good by the_fool762002-07-23 08:12:58
        Don't you mean mexican.. by whitenite2002-07-23 06:33:47
          No, There was a War between the US and Spain by rwrannells2002-07-23 13:33:38
            21 april 1898 ... by CreecH2002-07-24 03:13:07
      Credit where it's due! by breezeblock2002-07-23 06:11:01
      Not so... by kahuana2002-07-23 09:10:28
      Those are four points, by flamebait2002-07-23 11:58:08
        Not really a helping hand all the time by CreecH2006-11-19 12:55:59
    Well at least they knew when to by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:13:52
    I think Americans as a whole by caffine-iv2002-07-23 09:40:45
      Sir - I think I'd like to shake your hand by Control2002-07-23 09:46:39
        *shake* by caffine-iv2002-07-23 09:58:57
      of course by stig_mata2002-07-23 10:19:31
        I know. by caffine-iv2002-07-23 10:27:02
      also by stig_mata2002-07-23 10:21:53
        <Deleted><Deleted>2002-07-23 10:36:58
          of course war by stig_mata2002-07-23 11:06:45
          Moderated: Language. Repost: by Nawft2002-07-23 11:40:36
  NO! Its a horrible mistake! by breezeblock2002-07-23 05:48:50
    LOL! by SaleGamine2002-07-23 05:51:38
      Oh, they have! by ideur2002-07-23 06:17:04
        Not much of a colony is it? by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:19:16
        The Pope! by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:19:41
        They're just paid mercenaries. by pas512002-07-23 08:25:54
    Small Island = World super power ? by plblark2002-07-23 05:52:08
      It's not the size of our island that gives us by breezeblock2002-07-23 05:58:15
        I'll agree that SAS by slayer2002-07-23 06:22:18
          That's fair by fore_deck2002-07-23 06:28:53
            No problem by Spisefisken2006-11-19 12:55:59
              funny, as close to home... by mr.coffee2002-07-23 08:42:46
          And when deplomacy fails we... by breezeblock2002-07-23 06:51:31
            At least we *try* diplomacy. (n/t) by random_c2002-07-23 06:54:17
              The US Tries to be Diplomatic by rwrannells2002-07-23 13:51:52
                BS. by caffine-iv2002-07-23 19:04:10
                  more countries... by CreecH2002-07-24 02:25:20
      We'd have to drink italian coffee... by random_c2002-07-23 06:04:48
        *rofl* by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:10:16
          Well exactly! by random_c2002-07-23 06:35:04
            In Alaska, by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:44:37
              Heh. We have Safeway. by random_c2002-07-23 06:46:31
                Can't be ht same Safeway tho... by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:48:47
                  True... by random_c2002-07-23 06:53:20
                    Yes, it is. (n/t) by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:59:53
                    Walmart! by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:00:52
                      Walmart owns Asda. (n/t) by random_c2002-07-23 07:06:00
                        Whats Asda? (n/t) by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:08:15
                          The cheapest, shoddiest by SaleGamine2002-07-23 07:11:58
                            Ew :P (n/t) by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:19:28
                            Actually they're not that bad... by random_c2002-07-23 07:26:10
                              So what we have here is a testiment.. by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:28:00
                                Apparently I'm Middle Class.... by random_c2002-07-23 07:39:21
                                Spam! by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:41:45
                                Wouldn't know... by random_c2002-07-23 07:49:08
                                I lived off it once =( by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:50:26
                                You have my pity. by random_c2002-07-23 08:16:55
                                I think thats where we are now. by caffine-iv2002-07-23 08:23:58
                              I've never seen a Kwik-Save by SaleGamine2002-07-23 09:00:00
    Damn! by breezeblock2002-07-23 06:17:10
    Except... by pas512002-07-23 06:23:59
      Only in hindsight. by breezeblock2002-07-23 06:39:59
        Um, not exactly untouched... by traffic_hazard2002-07-23 06:45:03
  Aha! UK UFie meet amendment. by random_c2002-07-23 05:51:48
  I can see a bright future for the US yet. ;) (n/t) by bugarup2002-07-23 06:09:24
  How will this impact our Dental Hygiene? by AdMan2002-07-23 06:17:54
    Arrghhh! by fore_deck2002-07-23 06:34:23
    You mean the horrible way by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:36:57
      Ah doo! by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:46:55
        I have no idea why it sais "doo". by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:47:26
        Nothing to do with frequency of brushing. by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:59:03
          Funny, by caffine-iv2002-07-23 07:07:46
      Howabout just Brushing and Flossing then... by AdMan2002-07-23 06:51:19
        Just brushing wont give that blinding white. by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:56:43
      now following by stig_mata2002-07-23 07:05:19
        I've seen what in those bleach things they offer.. by SaleGamine2002-07-23 07:10:30
          I have those kind of teeths by Spisefisken2002-07-23 07:12:03
            :) by SaleGamine2002-07-23 07:14:08
      I have disgusting teeth... by random_c2002-07-23 07:45:58
  A thought or two... by fore_deck2002-07-23 06:22:14
    Wow, that is really, really by UberDomino2002-07-23 08:06:18
  US PRESIDENT.. by caffine-iv2002-07-23 06:41:31
    For all that number 2 by SaleGamine2002-07-23 06:45:40
    You care to post a link by slayer2002-07-23 06:50:46
      try this... by dire_lobo2006-11-19 12:55:59
        CKICKY? by dire_lobo2002-07-23 11:51:28
  So *that* is why by nimdokk2002-07-23 08:01:00
    schedule... by tigermouse2002-07-23 08:13:36
      welll ... the original "sch" pronounciation ... by slamlander2002-07-23 09:00:37
        I don't know about incorrect by tigermouse2002-07-23 09:27:44
          I remember when you could GHOTI by kahuana2002-07-23 09:52:37
            how about by tigermouse2002-07-23 09:59:14
            Hey, if you catch any, can I have some for by SaleGamine2002-07-23 10:15:32
              There are no ghoti in these creeks anymore. by kahuana2002-07-23 10:32:32
                Not sure... by SaleGamine2002-07-23 10:42:34
          It doesn't go back that far ... by slamlander2002-07-23 09:56:12
            It is a pretty old sound by tigermouse2002-07-23 10:12:34
              I was thinking more along the lines of "school" by slamlander2002-07-23 10:24:49
                school is pretty old, too by tigermouse2002-07-23 10:36:28
    schedule. (n/t) by random_c2002-07-23 08:14:48
  hehe -- and the US would throw a second revolution by DaNutBall2002-07-23 11:28:21
    Trade male for female by jaymethunt2002-07-23 12:43:50
    <Deleted><Deleted>2002-07-23 12:44:01
      Moderated: Double post (n/t) by Nawft2002-07-23 12:46:13

 

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