From Late Show with David Letterman; Thursday, December 22, 1994
Top Ten Items On The North Pole Police Blotter
10. More shots fired at Santa's house.
9. Elf removed from workshop with vibrating electric football set in his pants.
8. Unlicensed street vendor caught selling reindeer kabobs.
7. Rudolph busted for showing what else he can make glow.
6. Noise ordinances violated by Kathie Lee's singing.
5. Rowdy teens chasing Frosty the Snowman with a hair dryer.
4. Deranged gingerbread man arrested after several hours on street corner
shouting "Eat me!"
3. Mrs. Claus nabbed for hooking on 9th Avenue.
2. "Send the jaws of life: the old man's got his fat ass stuck in a chimney
again".
1. Elfjacking.
[Music: "She's So Cold" by the Rolling Stones]
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From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, December 23, 1994
Top Ten Movies Playing In Times Square This Xmas Season
10. "I Saw Mommy Nailing Santa Claus"
9. "Three Elves And a Little Lady"
8. "North Poled"
7. "Nude and Nuder"
6. "Won't You Guide My Pants Tonight"
5. "The Little Drummer Boy Becomes a Man"
4. "Mrs. Claus And the U.P.S. Guy"
3. "Not-So-Tiny Tim"
2. "Joycelyn Elders Home Alone"
1. "Jingle This!"
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From David Letterman - Friday, December 16, 1994
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts.
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list.
4. Sends him off one one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee.
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the
hurt on you!"
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown".
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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Ten Things Wrong With The Idea Of Santa Claus:
10. Not enough space in a sleigh for (5.5e+9)/3 childrens' presents.
9. Pulling that much weight is cruelty to animals.
8. U.S. radar would detect it, or else would be failing to do their job.
7. Too much CPU time required to keep track of that many kids.
6. Too much disk space required for two copies (one to check, and a redundant
version to check twice) of that list.
5. To watch all those kids would be invasion of privacy.
4. To hit the whole world at relative midnight, he'd have to go 1,041 miles per
hour.
3. Midget-rights people would fight his misuse of elves.
2. The North Pole doesn't have any land under it.
1. There are now Internet connections to the north pole (therefore no
intelligent life exists there).
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Top Ten Elf Pick-up Lines
1) I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.
2) You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
3) I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
4) No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at
Keebler.
5) I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
6) I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
7) I can get you off the naughty list.
8) I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi.
9) Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
10) I'm down here.
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From David Letterman - Tuesday, November 29, 1994
Top Ten Santa Pick-up Lines
10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
9. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."
8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
7. "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
6. "Buy you a Zima?"
5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
4. "Uh, yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!"
1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"
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From David Letterman:
Signs That You've Hired A Bad Department Store Santa
1) He's packin' heat.
2) Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush.
3) Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crew cut.
4) Keeps sending his elves out for more vermouth.
5) Every day around 10 A.M., throws up on the down escalator.
6) Charges $5.95 for the first minute, $2.95 each additional minute.
7) Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs.
8) After every toy request, says "Yeah, right".
9) Tells the sales girls that "Me and Mrs. Claus have an understanding".
10) He wears the Santa costume all year round.
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