I still remember those old grade school Valentine's Day celebrations, where you had to give Valentines to everyone so nobody ended up getting snubbed. In honor of that fair-minded but somewhat unpleasant tradition ("Okay, so I get to ask that cutie Suzie Hotpants to be my Valentine, but I've gotta ask the booger-eating smelly guy who's always scratching his privates to be my Valentine, too? Man, Valentine's Day sucks."), I'm passing the following Valentine's Day wish on to everyone here today, be ye poster, lurker, red-eyed system staffer, or ink-stained cartoonist person...
May your day be filled with love and cheer
Or failing that, a lot of beer,
And if you're unattached, don't be forlorn
That's why God gave us Internet porn.
Yeah, we're celebratin' that fat naked guy
Today's his big day to get out and fly,
Gonna grab his love arrows and start the attack
Gonna shoot ya in the eye, gonna shoot ya in the back.
Just better hope he hasn't been drinkin'
And tries his tricks all drunk and stinkin,
Cause if he's off target and you don't take cover
You might wind up one true animal lover.
(Hmm. Maybe next year I should spend a little more than just 45 seconds trying to hash together a thoughtful Valentine's Day sentiment. That one stinks worse than a bowl of rotting fishhead and gym shoe stew, delicately sun-baked to perfection over the space of two weeks while resting atop a Jersey trash barge. Ooo, now there's a lovely Valentine's Day image for ya...)
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