-1- Tow or haul (trailer, boat, whatever)
Why do they need an SUV? A van will do just fine, has more seating, and more space for cargo. If your SUV is of the full sized variety, you can get equivalent towing from a standard van. If you are looking at a midsized (something on the s10 or ranger frame) your choice is a Astro. The Chevy Astro is on the same truck frame as the Blazer, (unlike the minivans from other companys) and has a towing capacity >5000 pounds. If you MUST drive a Ford or Dodge, go to them and ask why they don't build a midsized van. Enough outcry from the public may cause Ford to bring back the Aerostar (looking more like an Econoline) and Dodge to come up with something on the Dakota frame.

-2- Off-road (my friend Stu from Kentucky *cue banjo* regularly plays with his toys in the mud.. A.Ok!)
This is a semivalid criteria. If your work requires you to haul the entire crew out to the middle of nowhere, SUVs are the best bet. Off road for fun can often be done better with a pickup, or a Jeep Wrangler. Better yet, try something that you would expect to see racing in Baja. Remember, if you are in this group, the environmentalists hate you.

-3- Live someplace extreeeeeeeme (Parts of the outer banks, N.C., where there are no roads... parts of the mountains where there are no roads, see rule 2... The suburbs or pothole-stricken cities do NOT count).
How many people does this apply to? This criteria restates the "Off-Road" criteria. You are unnecisarily repeating the same thing redundantly over again. (See Department of Redundancy Department)

Your anti SUV attitude tells me you would like the website http://poseur.4x4.org. They have criteria for deciding to buy an SUV. Go check it out. I specifically like the Concept SUVs in the humor section.