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Yet another programming question | by Schol-R-LEA;2 | 2001-07-31 03:21:51 |
| An Oldie but a Goodie... |
by zylon |
2001-07-31 07:30:58 |
Guide to Programming Languages
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying "that's me, over there."
Objective C: You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution disks instead.
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
Algol 60: You spend hours trying to figure out how to fire the gun since it has no provision for input or output.
Algol 68: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
Authorware: You create a foot interaction of type shoot, install a bullet Xtra, and attach a gun calc to the bullet. The bullet misses because you can't see your foot and the gun at the same time... so you push the bullet through with your hand (it doesn't hurt because you can't remember which system variable holds that property).
Assembly: You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
or...
You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room wildly shooting at everyone in sight.
BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.
DBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.
Dbase IV v1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Java: You shoot yourself in the foot. Everyone who accesses your website leaves hobbling and cursing.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
or...
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the gun jams on a stray parentheses.
Logo: You tell the turtle to draw a picture of a foot and a gun, then shoot the turtle.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Modula-2: After realising that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Oracle: You decide to shoot yourself in the foot and go out to buy a gun - except the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster solution, relational titanium alloy bullets, body armor infrastructure, a laser sight assistant, a retractable arm stock application, and an enterprise team of ballistics experts and a chiropodist.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets. The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.
Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in your face.
sh, csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
SQL: You cut your foot off and send it out to a service bureau. When it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fire the attachment at the end of your leg. |
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[ Reply ] |
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*rotfl* (n/t) | by Samsara | 2001-07-31 07:38:01 |
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Darn skippy! | by krupa | 2001-07-31 08:04:23 |
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